Cancun in 600 words...

How can I summarise Cancun in a short blog post enough so you get a feel for the place? Well imagine by day lying on white white beaches or by the pool with the occasional movement into the pool or blue blue sea to cool off. NB - I am please to announce that Jack has upgraded from "whiter than sand" to "sand", fingers crossed he can make it to "Marie-Rose Sauce"

By night its an insane chaos of pounding music and bright lights mixed with ridiculous numbers of locals accosting you with offers for taxis, club tickets, general tat, food, drugs, prostitutes and a cuddle from a tiger cub.

Our hotel was lovely, for just £50 per night we got all the feel of a holiday resort (before moving onto the “real” Mexico) combined with perfect locality to night life.

For example here was the view from the room

And here is the view from the club

 

On our first outing into the Cancun nightscene we attended a club called Mandala based off the fact that it was all you can drink for 600 pesos, that’s about £15; so long as you never sat down or leant on a table.

Do you know the feeling when you go to a buffet and eat really quickly because subconsciously or something you think the food may run out or the buffet is going to get shut down? That’s the feeling we had at this place; so it didn’t take long for Jack get on the spacers between every single drink. He did this to the point that he felt ill on water and had to go walk it off in our hotel just round the corner.

Meanwhile

Though after a while I started to wonder what happened to that weirdo?

Anyway he eventually returned after breaking the toilet, and emptying it into the bath with complimentary tumblers.

Quick game of where's T Bird:

Next to tick off the list of “Really Fun Stuff To Do” was Jet Skiing, those Jet Skis got so rinsed… until I sat on my own bollock at 72kph. For those of you who dont know, sitting on a bollock is painful; sitting on a bollock at high speed is very painful. Below is an artist’s impression of what took place:

Later that night we went out again, this time we went all rich and forked out £30 each which meant we could sit down, except sitting down stuck out like sore thump because everyone was dancing on tables and chairs (except for Jack obviously). Sweet Club was a more party atmosphere with mediocre “Wet Body” contests, all you can drink bottles of vodka and Megatron off of Transformers just knocking around.

There were also two separate queues in the gents; one for people using the cubicals to take a shit (short queue) and one for people using to cubicals to take drugs (long queue). I also witnessed some poor chap get 1 punch KO'd but some hard as fuck Mexican lad, you will be pleased to know that when he came to he was immediately ejected that the Mexican hardnut just continued drinking at the scene of the incident.

All in all we left Cancun feeling rested and relaxed whilst soaking the much advertised “georgie shore” antics. We have headed of to the town of Merida now, its very basic but the hostel is nice for £15 and has internet so cant complain. Tomorrow we are off to look at flamingos, natures gay animal – why are they pink?, algae or something? Answers in a comment please

Hasta luego x

The Long Road to Mexico...

Its taken just 2 weeks but I am officially on a “Wobbler” as I write this post throughout what is turned out to be a completely moronic journey. I was sat in some dull dank airport terminal in Jacksonville FL on our way to Cancun thinking of ways to help you understand the emotion oozing from my face and the series of events leading to this frequent state of mind and subsequent outburst. To give it some context let me take you back a few nights ago…

 

Jack and I are enjoying the easy life, beaches, pools, sun, crazy golf, ribs to name but a few, we even went out in Fruitvillle for 2nd time and had a bliss filled night. We ended up at a place called “The Gator Club”, described to us as having a weird vibe as it used to be a brothel; I thought that sounds fairly fun. Well it was really just a bar. That shut at 2am and we were the last to leave and asked for advice on where to go next. “Get a taxi 50 miles north to Tampa and go to the Hard Rock Casino, that’s open til 6am”. We didn’t take that advice; instead we thought we could walk around and find somewhere decent. After an hour there were no more cars, no more people, no more food; it was a ghost town.

So we decided to get up to mischief including hugging statues, climbing flagpoles, getting inside fountains and kicking over bins – we were so cool.

In the end two street cleaners called us a cab giving the firm the instructions “we got two British guys here… they don’t know where they’re going”.

American Airlines are massive bunch of idiots, I hope they go busto, hard! They have ruined the high spirits formed by days and nights of jokes. Now when you book flights and they have connections, like Jacksonville to Cancun via Miami; you would think it so simple to just skip the Jax to Miami leg and go Miami to Cancun with absolute no issue if you wanted? Incorrect, bang wrong, completely stupid thinking douchebag! If you want to do that it would probably make the most sense to cancel both flights and rebook at $190pp – obviously that is ridiculous to we have just driven from Sarasota to Jacksonville. That’s five hours of unnecessary driving to take an unnecessary flight to a place that is 3.5 hours from Sarasota.

So anyway we had to drive, leaving at 1:30am, here’s a picture of me at 5am indicating my elation and my overall unwellness following contracting a cold in a 32 degree climate along with conjunctivitis; followed by a picture of me waiting at the car drop off for someone to give me a receipt, unacceptable.

When someone eventually swanned over at 7:04am, this girl said one of the most ridiculous sick day excuses I’ve ever heard:

Girl: Sorry for the delay, my manager called me to say she couldn’t make it in today because she was having an asthma attack”

Tristan: “she called you… and told you that she was having an asthma attack?”

Girl: “I know, right?

Well we eventually ditched the Nissan Versa and headed into check in where we were greeted by even more characters, Pam of American Airlines…

Jack: “So with the connecting flight do we need to get our bags back?”

Ring Ring

Pam: “oh, that’s my daughter”

Pam answers phone, Tristan looks perplexed

Pam: “oh really”… (... = Pause for daughter’s comments) “Well crap!”…. “is it still wet?”… “well put a towel on it… “yeah fold up a towel, put it on top and then sit on it”… “yeah sit on it”… “oh yeah, then spray some Febreeze on it”… “ok Hun, love you”

Tristan: “spillage?”

Pam: “my cat pissed on my bed again!”

Jack: “So… with the connecting flight do we need to get our bags back?”

At this stage I just want to make a couple of points:

1. Don’t answer your phone whilst speaking to customers, if you think it could be an emergency then apologise, if not a emergency tell the caller to do one. NB cat piss related incidents are rarely emergencies
2. Rather than folding a towel, sitting on it and spraying Febreeze on your cat piss stained bed sheets, I recommend you wash your cat piss stained bed sheets.

After all the annoyance we headed through our gate (after a 30 minute delay of course) and find that I just have to laugh when I’m confronted with this.

I thought this was American Airlines not some amateur outfit, well anyway we made it Miami for the second time and got on the next flight. Now for some reason I then start getting this intence pain in the left hand side of my face, so much so that I need to shout into a tshirt to release some tension (of course the idiot next to me with his over the top loud music and rap-along actions didn’t notice). The pain subsided after my mind was distracted by filling numerous forms on arrival and getting annoyed that AA hadnt provided pens, but despite that we did it and got to Mexico in one piece, but not before being offered a tequilla before even picking up our luggage, I wanted to say “are you having a laugh?!” but instead I just said "no thank you” and frowned.

After all the issues, staying awake for 32 hours and working myself into a Wobbler I wonder if it was all worth it?

I reckon so

x

The Real America...

When the weather in Miami doesn’t improve and you get bored of walking along streets getting battered by strong winds and soaked through from ridiculous down pours, all the while getting a sweat on because its still a billion degrees; you head off to Sarasota in west Florida to meet up with an old mate and co-founder of G Unit, Gavin “G-Bird” Frost!

So me and J are staying with Gav and his Girlfriend Amy who have very generously put us up in there lovely pad with efficient air con. Now for those who know the “port-o-loo” story from spring break 2010, Gav and Amy met that night in Hammerhead Fred’s; if you don’t know that story… tough, I ain’t telling it ever again.

What do real Americans do in the real America? Well the answer is obvious:

Go to “America’s best beach” - please note that the sand is more tanned than Jack

Play golf

And shoot guns of course

 

Now I know what you are thinking… “Tristan you look so hard squeezing off some slugs right there” and I completely agree. However after firing my first couple I was utterly shitting my tits, and the bloke came over to check I was ok which took the edge off the hard man imagine for a second or so.

Also in hindsight we had an alarmingly brief safe demonstration, like literally 45 seconds. All he really said was hold it properly and don’t point it at people, if someone ever in some bizarre parallel universe allowed it in England you would be in some classroom for 3 hours and signing 99 forms but here its like “what’s your name? oh ok Christian go get’um!”

Anyway, ladies get down here on Thursday.

Last night we went out for dinner and drinks in an area of Sarasota called Fruitville, and all the roads are called things like Pineapple St. and Lemon Ave. it’s a fresh approach to street names. We were led to a bar called "Smokin' Joe's"...which reminded us of a place we were familiar with, plus it had a news agents in the corner; not even joking.

So the usual hilarity ensued and feeling the effects today but good times to be had again tonight apparently.

Well we leave our old mate G Money on Thursday and fly down to Cancun for Mexican stuff, lets see how we get on.

Xx

x