Trouble in Paradise: The Life of Phi Phi...

Phi Phi (pronounced Pee Pee) is the little island in southern Thailand famed by The Beach starring Leo DiCaprio and Johnson out of Peep show. It was our next destination and had a reputation for lovely beaches and a party scene, the reputation was correct.

Now when you arrive on the island you will come in on one of three boats, an early morning one, and midday one and an evening one; that dictates where you will stay for your time on the island. This is because the island is so small that spaces in accommodation are limited therefore those who arrive first get the good hotels and those that arrive later (us) end up in the shit heap. You can’t even go to a place and say “can we stay tomorrow?” because they don’t even know. That’s how busy it is, they don’t even have a bookings book!

This sign has nothing do with anything but it is funny.

So we were staying in this complete shit hole, separate 20 man dorms with the beds pushed as close to each other as possible, so that the person next to you could easily roll over and wind up on your bed. This happened, frequently. I wouldn’t have mind so much if it had been a fit bird next to me, but instead I had some ultra-annoying Norwegian bell end.

The Norwegian moron was the least of my concerns as I would later discover that I had been put in a room with a select collection of the world’s biggest idiots, potentially to get me on a wobbler as some sort of experiment.

We had thought that the hostel would be a good shout because we could meet some new people; I remembered very quickly that I don’t like people all that much. I didn’t want to learn their names so I categorised them as follows

First there was Posho Twat, an 18 year old gimp with an opinion about everything without any knowledge of the subject and stupid posh voice which I’m sure he was putting on. I rinsed him in all discussions

Harry Potter Girl, loved Harry Potter, talked about it all the time, fancied Ron Weasel, played the Deathly hallows Part II on her laptop on loudspeaker after a night out, had a Harry Potter themed tattoo. She has ruined harry Potter for me.

Emo Girl, seems like she worked for the Northern Thailand tourist board, would not stop harping on about Chiang Mai. Go live there and get away from me!

The Hair Straightened Brothers, they don’t require much explanation, Jesus!

Canadian Girl, swanning around telling anyone with ears about how she lost her phone and bank card and then asking inane questions like “would you rather dry hump your grandmother to death or cut your nob off”

Unfunny Australian Dick’ed kept using the phrase, “I’m gunna make like a dick, and beat it”. He must have said it about 500 times, even when he wasn’t leaving. No one ever laughed, and it doesn’t make sense.

Bum Trouble, my advice to this idiot is DO NOT announce to everyone that you’ve had the shits for 3 days when everyone you are announcing it too has to share a toilet with you! “I’ve got Irritable Bowel Disease; I’ve got Irritable Bowel Disease!” No you haven’t, you’ve eat some shit food so get on with it. And isn’t it called Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

The Lads from Stoke, They were from Stoke, but they were not lads. About 40, acting like their 12. Desperate to cop off with the Americans.

American Girl, basically thick. One person asks “how much did you spend last night?” she replies “well, 130 on food and 150 on drinks, so like, 270?”

American Girl with Burns. She had burns on her inner leg from spilling a soup on herself, just to paint a picture. I had to wake up to sound of her having sex in the room, this caused some quite vocal irritation due to the burns. Some hours later I was woken up again as she had moved beds and had got hold of one of the Stoke Lads. She obviously didn’t learn from earlier in the night because those burns got in the way again.

The only way to avoid these people was to go out on the smash, so we did; and at £4 for a bucket with half a bottle of vodka present, it wasn’t expensive.

The bar next to our hostel had a Thai boxing ring, for Thai boxers? Nope! For normal punters to go and beat each other up; of course. This provided much hilarity, especially when two birds got up and literally scrapped for 5 minutes, bizarre yet brilliant.

The night life spills on the beach where there are people painting UV stuff on you if you like. I came across this and a girl started drawing on my arm. I think you’re supposed to pay because the little Thai bloke doing it got annoyed and threw his palette at me. It hit me on the arm which flew a combo of orange, yellow and black paint all up my arm; I looked well cool, cheers mush.

Here’s a video from one of the nights, I have no idea who the woman is :s

We took a trip off the main Phi Phi (Phi Phi Don) to see Phi Phi Ley, which is the beach from The Beach. I can’t remember if it’s the island from it as well but here it is anyway.