One Week in Laos...

Laos would be our ninth and final country before heading back into Northern Thailand for a planned week of adventure and on to the south for an inviting party and relax combo. Unfortunately this is where Praddles had to leave us due to an emergency at home.

Vientiane is the capital City, I say city; it’s a small town with nothing. I repeat: NOTHING! It doesn’t even have a cinema ffs!

The only reason anyone would ever go to Vientiane is to visit the Thai Embassy to get the 60 visa which you cant get upon arrival. That’s why we were there, however getting this coverted stamp isnt as easy as walking in, paying a fee and walking out. OOOOH NO! you must arrive there between 8:30-12, fill out an application and pay, then collect the next day 1-3pm. So I will highlight our stay in this CAPITAL CITY

Day 1: Arrived after 12pm so did nothing.

Day 2: Arrived at Embassy to discover it is closed due to some bank holiday or some shit so did nothing.

Day 3: Arrived at Embassy at 8:50. Handed in application at 12:30 after hours of Queuing. Did nothing after. (Ate a lush pizza)

Day 4: Received visa at 3pm. This is after the last bus out of town. We went to the Buddha Park, it was ok.

Day 5: Left Vientiane with the world’s biggest smile!

The Buddha Park by the way is a mini field full of statues and monuments devoted to Buddha and some Hindu stuff also.

They weren’t amazing but fun enough, plus I would like to say sorry to all the monks who were knocking around. I know I wasn’t supposed to jump the rope and climb up this Buddha but please understand that I had had some of the most boring days of my life in that town. Anyway, F U you’re mum Bashy I get reloads!

 
We had arranged a really good way to get to Vang Vieng from Vientiane which was to stop of on the way and boat along the river and trek up the jungle to do some zip lining. Before we left, the tour organiser which was some environmentally friendly eco-bullshit company said there were going to be 6 others on the trip. Jack and I wondered if it was going to 6 really fit birds, well we were half right.

So anyway Jack, I and these 6 rough birds headed to this sky walkway zipline outfit. One of the girls was harping on about how it was brilliant that the trip was really good for the ecology and whatnot because we won’t be trekking through any endangered species, I thought she was a mug! It’s all a con love, grow up!

Zip lining was good, bollocks got completely squashed but it allowed me to continue my fantasy that I was James Bond as I swung through the jungle taking out imaginary militia.

We finally arrived in Vang Vieng, the town famed for tubing. The act of floating down the river on rubber rings (or tubes) whilst bars posted along the route pull you in for mushroom and opium infused alcoholic beverages combined with rope swings and diving platforms!!!!!!!!

Except, hang on… THEY HAVE SHUT THE FUCKER DOWN. That’s right, following 30 deaths last year, the president visited VV and said “right… everybody stop having fun!” so since August it’s kind of like a ghost town. Even the bars shut at 12! It’s communism gone mad!

As those of you reading this who have been to VV in the height of tubing madness are undoubtedly crying at the thought of never being able to enjoy the experience again; spare a though for little ol’ T Berg who ever since he saw a YouTube video of the antics has only ever wanted to that exact thing!

What it means for VV is that now the town has been transformed into a quiet desirable chill out spot. With the river bars gone and drugs limited to the odd “happy pizza” but the travel down the river is an incredibly relaxing and therapeutic venture as groups of random drifters inevitably join forces to form a giant raft of like-minded floaters. The tranquility is only disrupted by the chaos of an army of 5-11 yeas old boys who stop lobbing rocks and an abandoned house and dive in the river to try and claim your tube in order to cash in your £2 deposit or however much it is. The whole occasion was very much like the Pirates 4D ride at Thorpe Park. Obviously the kids weren’t hard enough to take our tubes but they did rob a Zach Galafanikis look-a-like. And when I say look-a-like I mean someone who looked 99% the same as Alan from the Hangover, I had to be deliberate.

During our float down a conversation started between with Alan, some Canadians, an Indian-American (not American-Indian) called Rishi and a German called Richie. Rishi was explaining to the Canadians and Alan how there had been a huge Maple Syrup Heist which had sent the maple syrup market off kilt and it was still trying to recover today. Odd chat for the situation but more odd was how after that Richie (the German) was going on about how he was going to use that phrase: “Maple Syrup Heist”. No one knew what on earth he was on about but it transpired hours later that he thought there was a phrase “maple syrupised” and was an ultra-specific saying for when something happens to you involving maple syrup, mongtard!

Of course outside of the tubing remains the calming restaurants with their 40+ page menus; rarely will you get past the “fruit shakes” before some little geezer is standing over you asking for your order. All these restaurants are armed with large flat screens playing Friends all day, it is unavoidable. I had forgotten how good Friends actually is and how is and how I am so completely Ross.

In VV we ended up getting matey with some internationals and headed out. We had heard lads had been arrested by the police for having some weed, and this girl we were with was certain it was her French mates based of the tiniest of piece of information. So as a force to be messed with we headed about the town to try and find them and break them out, kind of like Ocean’s Eleven; this started with just 5 and this grew as we bowled down the street looking for clues and recruiting other idiots. Anyway here’s some of the crew: Matt Damon, George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Bernie Mac. I’ll let you decide who is who.

Bizarrely we actually managed to find the Frenchies and it was them who had been arrested but they just needed to hand over a 600 euro bribe each to get their passports back.

We left VV and onto Luang Probang, then out of the country into northern Thailand.

And of course heres a video to summarise:

The Journey was advertised as a quick 17 total trip, 12 hours on a “VIP” bus and a 5 hour minibus. This would turn out to be the worst bit of travelling ever experienced by a human. Jack and I were separated at this stage but stayed in contact to see how we were getting on:

I had plenty of time to think up this festive delight

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